


Foundation

by eternalmurasaki



Category: KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-10 23:01:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15959402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalmurasaki/pseuds/eternalmurasaki
Summary: Discoveries sometimes happen in unexpected places.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [haikuesque](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikuesque/gifts).



Wind brushes against the trees in front of the window. Their leaves are already slowly turning red, orange or yellow, which means autumn is here. It’s already been three months since Jin moved to this apartment. 

He tears his eyes away from the window and stares back down at his draft. The sheet is full of crossed out words. His paper bin already has two crumpled versions of it. He closes his eyes, whispers the beginning of the chorus he had in mind and stops mid-sentence, his pencil tapping against his desk. 

Moments later, Jin throws the pencil away and gets to his feet. He guesses today isn't a good day and ditches that draft in the bin too.

***

He hadn't actually moved there full-time. It was Meisa who had unexpectedly come up with the idea.

"I promise what I'm about to say isn't any kind of criticism to your last albums," she'd said, "you're doing great. But I think... having somewhere where you can fully focus on composing could help. Somewhere you can think about what you want to express."

He had denied needing such a thing: his everyday life, the smiles of the people around him, and even their home itself were more than enough to inspire him. Why would he need something different?

"Just give it a try," she'd said with a smile. "I'm always away from home for work, you're perfectly allowed to spend time away for work too. There's nothing to feel guilty about."

"I don't feel guilty, I just... I don't-"

"Give it a try. You've got nothing to lose."

***

Jin takes a sip of coffee on the balcony, the wind slightly ruffling his hair. The area is so quiet, it's at least a nice place to relax in. The trees in front of his apartment give him some privacy - it's not like many people drive past this part of the suburb anyway. He'd chosen a calm and isolated place on purpose, so that his family could also enjoy it if they ever wanted to get away to a quiet place for a week-end.

Three months.

Jin isn't satisfied with what he's come up with until now. When he remembers how quickly they'd been able to compose songs for Yellow Gold Tour, it feels like that was another life. Why does he have to be so slow now?? Deep down, he knows the circumstances are so different he can't compare his speed now and then. He _does_ feel blessed that he can now actually take his time to rework his drafts. That he has the time to compose more songs and can choose to only keep the ones he's satisfied with. His current situation is everything he ever wanted as a kid. Still... he thinks of his bin and groans. He used to only type his ideas on his phone, so he can't really know if he used to delete just as many drafts.

He's still learning. Just giving it a try.

The purchase of this apartment won't ever be a waste anyway.

***

There isn’t a single green leaf left outside and it looks like it's going to rain soon. There were supposed to be no distractions here, but Jin realises he spends way too much time just staring out the window. He’s feeling a bit discouraged at the moment… maybe this writing environment just doesn't match the style he’s going for. It's not like clubs and trees have much in common.

"Come on, you know you don't only write about clubbing." Meisa had kindly said when he'd shared his opinion.

True. But other kinds of songs came up when he was in the right state of mind for them. And Jin is certain that reaching a certain state of mind is more complicated than just looking at a nice view. Jin squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. He's overthinking. He should just let himself get into whatever state of mind he naturally needs... and come what may. A party song or something else.

He opens his desk drawer to reach for a pile of notebooks in there. He randomly grabs one of them and grins as he remembers Shirota making fun of him after he'd lost a draft – a notebook is a safer option. He grabs a pen, flips through the pages - and stops. 

Someone has already written in it.  
Jin frowns and starts flipping again, looking for a name.

There's nothing.

His eyes catch a few sentences here and there.

_“It feels like something is missing. And no, it’s not love. I don’t need that.”_

Jin blinks. Now that’s some serious writing. Maybe a bit too negative: who the hell doesn’t need love?? Either this is a real diary or it’s fiction. Maybe fiction, since Jin can’t spot any date inscriptions at the beginning of any page or paragraph.

_“XXXXX was such an asshole today. I hate him.”_

Jin snorts. He has no idea what name the author scribbled over, but that’s the only sentence written in that colour - the person probably only wrote those few words that day. 

If this is a notebook mystery-person only wrote in when they were in a shitty mood, Jin decides he shouldn’t waste his time reading it. What’s more, if he wants to be serious about his new composing goal, maybe he should think of what could actually help him get into the right mindset.

He eyes the notebook and muses. How about a book he personally likes? Or… maybe a DVD. And some music. Jin doesn’t come here to read, does he? And no, that isn’t his laziness talking.

***

Listening to music isn’t helping. Sure, Spotify does give him a few melody ideas, but he’s too distracted to actually think of words. Inspiration usually hits him at random moments - it can happen when he's doing the dishes at home, while driving home after a drink with friends or even while grocery shopping. He writes his ideas down whenever they come up and makes sure to go back to them as soon as he has some free time. 

The first times he'd stayed in his new apartment, he hadn't been sure it would actually change a thing about his writing. He likes how spontaneous his writing has been until now, he doesn’t need any change. He always follows his intuition – and, of course, takes into account what the people he’s working with have to say.

Today he takes out his phone to look at the snippet he’s written two days ago.

_Tonight I’m gonna take you for a ride._

Maybe he’d been too negative when he’d told himself background music wouldn’t help him. It _has_ put him in the right mood for this song idea and he spends the evening smirking at his draft as the words come easily. 

He’d known he was a spontaneous guy, there was no need to overthink.

All he needed was a good mood.

***

A bad mood is a bit scary sometimes. It’s one of those days when his mind feels empty. No, not empty: distracted. Someone Meisa was working with had been hideous to her, and Jin was mad at him. No amount of alcohol excused vicious words… how had that guy dared talk like that?? Meisa had reassured Jin that she was fine and had thanked him for his warm support. More than anything, she had held him back so that he wouldn’t go cause a ruckus. 

Jin however isn’t fine. Every time he tries to put on one of his favourite songs to get into a better mood, it takes him only seconds to interrupt it. None of them feels right. He doesn’t want to be here. He wants to be with his wife. He wants to be there for her. 

Meisa knows it, she’s grateful for his efforts, but work is requesting her to be away from home today. It feels like something ridiculous, something tiny compared to what she deserves, but Jin decides that he will go home earlier to cook the best dinner he can.

In the meantime, Jin rubs his face and gets up. The kids aren’t home so there’s no point for him to already drive back. He fetches a beer and goes back to his desk to stare out the window – that’s something that always helps.

A few gulps later, his heartbeat has slowed down. Without thinking, he lets his gaze slip from the window to the room. His eyes fall on the drawer.

Maybe reading someone’s ranting would be nice today. Why not?

He finishes his bottle and takes out the notebook he’d almost forgotten about. He can’t be bothered to go through every single thing that person has written, so he randomly flips through it again.

_“Practise was alright today. After last night's thoughts, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to concentrate, but no-one noticed anything was wrong. I was distracted, though. Who wouldn't be distracted when a beautiful guy keeps giving you warm smiles?"_

So, this is about some kind of crush? The paragraph continues with the description of some other people being annoying. It’s a bit boring, especially because the writer is being vague on purpose, so Jin flips a few pages earlier. What kind of thoughts had made the author get scared?

_"My best friend was always somewhat pretty, I just never consciously thought about it. We always had a lot of fun, by doing something stupid like teasing XXXX or just by hanging out together. It wasn't all about fun - we have quarrelled a few times but... more than my source of fun, he was also my source of comfort. And I know I helped him feel better too when he was having a hard time.”_

Jin quietly hums in agreement. He may not know this person, but he knows how precious friendship can be.

_“He was always precious to me and I know he cares about me too. I don't know when exactly I fell in love with him- “_

Jin’s eyebrows slide up. In love, huh?

_“I think our bond is so strong it's hard to decipher what is only friendship, and what is love. I guess it's easy for him to decipher what I mean to him. Since I'm a guy and he only likes girls. It took me a very long time to realise he was more than a friend to me, so I don’t expect him to even wonder about it."_

Oh.

So the author is a guy. That friendship does sound nice, despite the lack of details: it's hard to identify what is fact and what is just the author theorizing. But Jin is curious, and already sympathises with this love-smitten guy. 

He has no idea how old the guy was when he had been wondering about where he was standing but... isn't it normal to feel a bit confused when you're a teenager? Especially when you are super close to your best friend and you think he's handsome.

Jin hadn't expected to go down his own memory lane, but the truth is, his own relationship with Kame had always been special. Jin had sometimes surprised himself with some very unexpected curiosity - like, what did Kame look like when he kissed someone? But girlfriends had quickly showed up to take those thoughts out of his mind. Most of the time.

That was just a special kind of friendship - not love.

Still, Jin was very curious to find out how this guy had worked this thing out. Maybe he'd realised that he wasn't in love in the end?

He skips a few pages that are too vague to make sense - was this guy _that_ paranoid about his family finding his notebook and reading it or what?!

He stops when he spots another passage that looks like it’s going to be emotional.

_"Sometimes I think I should talk to him about it. But... I don't want to scare him. What's the point of ruining our friendship if even I don't know what I want?_  
_I don't know what I want._  
_I don't know what I'm looking for._  
_But... I know I love him._  
_Isn't that enough?”_

Poor guy. Jin hopes he had someone to confide in… but his intuition is telling him that if this guy is letting out so many emotions on paper, it’s probably because he can’t find the courage to talk about it to anyone.

_“There are several things I know._  
_I know he's the person that makes my heart warm. He’s the one who makes me laugh and smile the most._  
_It's not even just about the looks._

_Spending so many years with him, growing up with him..._  
_Spending so many years caring about what he thinks, caring about how he's feeling..._  
_Wanting to help him be happy…_  
_Wanting to give him my heart…_  
_…my everything._  
_Without him realising the nature of my feelings…_  
_Of course he’s important to me._  
_I know my thoughts make no sense. I know that tomorrow, even I will feel stupid that I wrote something this extreme. My life sure isn’t all about him. But this is how I feel tonight, and this is what this diary is for, isn’t it? For me to let out everything I need to evacuate before I do something stupid… like talk to him.”_

Shit… this guy must have felt really bad that night. Jin can’t believe a teenager could feel something that intense. He’s pretty sure he’d felt things too at some point, but this guy’s choice of words was so… serious?

Jin almost regrets never writing down what he’d felt in the past – it could’ve been interesting to compare this to the intensity of his own thoughts. He certainly had been thinking about going solo for a long time and had been so obsessed with learning English… and there were other topics too. Jin shakes his head - now is not the time to go digging into all his memories.

He wants to tell the author to just go to bed already and sleep over those thoughts to feel better and to have a more reasonable view on what he’s feeling, but of course the young man didn’t go to sleep. 

Maybe he’d kept his feelings inside for too long and that was why they forced their way onto the paper like this. Poor guy. Jin blinks and continues reading.

_“He is everything to me, and I know that tomorrow morning I'll be telling myself I exaggerated, but that would be my reason speaking, not my heart._  
_A heart isn't reasonable, it just feels._  
_I love him._

_Growing up together while loving him has made me build the foundation of who I am around him._  
_When what I want to do in life is blurry, when other things make me sad, my foundation is there to keep me standing. To hold me up. Our friendship keeps me strong._

_Our feelings keep us afloat whenever assholes are trying to push us under water._  
_‘Our’ feelings, because I know he cares._  
_He just doesn't know it's love yet, but I do._  
_I love him, and he'll always be the foundation of who I am."_

Jin groans. Well… fuck.

The next page is blank. Maybe the guy had finally went to sleep after writing those words and had waited until the next evening to write what Jin had read just before. 

Remembering this guy’s words about practise, Jin realises that this person hadn’t said a word about what he’d written the previous night. He hadn’t said “that was bullshit” or anything similar. So he meant it… he meant those unbelievable words. 

Or maybe he hadn’t felt ready to go back on them to correct them. 

Maybe this mysterious person would talk about this again later.

Of course he would, Jin tells himself. This guy is certainly going to write about his feelings again, and Jin feels the urge to find out more about this.

Jin realises he's been staring at those words for way too long. He takes a deep breath and stares at the window. But he's not looking at anything, lost in thought.

This guy is... well he is probably in love after all. But how could he know what love was so early in life?

_"That would be my reason speaking, not my heart. A heart isn't reasonable, it just feels."_

Maybe Jin is relying too much on his reason right now. Some things can't be rationally explained, he knows that.

His phone rings - it's the alarm he had set to make sure he drove home on time to cook dinner. He puts the notebook back into the drawer and gets up.

His drive home is quiet, but his mind isn't. 

Of course, he’s still thinking about this mysterious guy’s words.

Who wouldn't?


	2. Chapter 2

4am.

Jin stares confusedly at his phone screen. Why he just woke up is a mystery. The house is quiet, everyone else is probably still sound asleep.

At times like this, having separate rooms with Meisa is comfortable: Jin doesn't have to worry about waking her up if he gets up to do something. And right now, Jin craves for a smoke. 

That makes no sense. He stopped smoking months ago. No, he won't let his sleepy-self do that.

He puts his phone back down and blinks slowly. Sleep. That's what he needs.

***

Jin knows this is a dream - dreams at the end of the night are easier to detect after all. He's lounging in a cosy sitting room with Yu and Shumpei.

"Why did the snow storm have to happen _just_ when we got here?? It sucks to be stuck here. For real."

Shumps sounds really pissed, but this is honestly a nice place to get stuck in. Jin looks out the window - snowy mountains, snow everywhere. The sun is setting, the sky slowly turning dark blue. Of course this is a dream. There are no storm clouds - and who gets stuck in a cosy mountain lodge after an unexpected storm?

Pi steps into the living room with glasses in his hands and Jin already wants to talk about planning another holiday with his friends in real life.

Not much is going on there, but the atmosphere is definitely pleasant.

The only sounds are Pi laughing at someone's joke, the fire crackling and glasses clinking. Is this paradise? Jin didn't even expect to like a mountain setting that much.

"Jin, aren't you going to join us for a drink?"

He almost chokes as he turns around.

Kame??

What's he doing here??

His reaction is probably invisible in the dream because Kame just gently smiles at him and hands him a glass of... is that mulled wine?

 _That_ reaction isn't invisible because Kame laughs.

"I promise it's delicious. The weather is so cold... I thought it would be a good idea to start with something warm."

Jin hums noncommittally and takes a sip. He's always avoided this kind of Christmas-season drink, but in the dream at least it tastes good.

Kame sits with the others, and Jin doesn't hear what they're talking about. Kame is laughing, elbowing Pi. Seeing him have a good time so easily is nice... he'd never pictured Shumps and Kame in the same room before. Unexpected things can be enjoyable too.

It's so enjoyable and it feels so natural Jin forgets it's a dream. This is a _real_ holiday, and by some miracle, instead of being stuck in a refuge in a sorry state, they are in an elegant mountain lodge. With drinks. And food. The sky is dark blue, stars are slowly showing up. 

He ends up in the kitchen with Kame who's looking for a jug or something and Jin is surprised to feel his heart tighten. He's just really happy to see Kame having a good time. In his presence. With no tension, no complications, just relaxing and enjoying simple things.

When Kame looks up, he looks a bit confused.

"Are you ok?" Kame asks.

Jin shakes the feeling away. Of course he's fine. He's just... happy. Isn't it normal to feel that happy when you see an old friend smiling?

The rest of the evening is kind of a blur - either he drank too much or... oh right, this is a dream. Maybe that's why Jin feels like he's wrapped in cotton wool. Maybe that's why there's no logic to the way things are going - because at some point Jin is hugging Kame and he can't remember how they got there.

They're in the kitchen again, out of sight. A subtle twitch in Kame's eyebrows betrays the fact that such a hug isn't something as simple as the rest of that night, but Kazuya feels warm and soft - it's a hug so comfortable Jin can't help sinking even further into its warmth. He feels like he's being welcomed back into a piece of what they used to share. And he's welcoming Kame back too. Kame will always be welcome in his arms because no matter how close they are in the present day, Kame will always be someone special. Someone who mattered. Someone who will always _matter_ , whether they talk or not. 

The younger's fingers slowly clutch onto the back of Jin's shirt. The sound of a deep exhale makes Jin hold him tighter, but it stays gentle. A tender hug to someone you can't find the right words to say how much you care.

Maybe this embrace is what's making Jin feel like he's wrapped in cotton wool...

When he wakes up, it takes him some time to realise it's his bed cover that is wrapped all around him.

***

It's one of the most peaceful breakfasts Jin has had in a long while. That wrapped-up feeling stays with him, even when confusion seeps into his train of thoughts. Where the hell had that dream come from? Dreaming of getting stuck inside because of a snow storm... but stuck in nothing less than a luxury lodge.

No, that had to be an organised holiday.

But had it been organized... would he have accepted an invitation to go on holiday with Kame? He probably would have feared that it would be a bit awkward. Especially because a planned one probably wouldn't include such an unexpected group of friends.

It could, though. What stops them from doing that?

Jin stares at his cup, his eyes narrowing. No. Why is he getting worked up over something so little? 

Or are the unexpectedly intense emotions in the dream the real reasons he’s feeling unsettled, more than the idea of such a holiday?

He rolls his eyes. This was a dream, not real life.

_Kame will always be someone special. Someone who mattered. Someone who will always matter._

He leans over his mug to let the soft coffee fragrance envelop him and closes his eyes. 

Ok, those feeling were true at some point. What about now? Jin has to admit it's still at least partly true. The way past close friends still feel like they're part of your family, even when you're not close anymore.

Seeing Kame again would be great, sure, but there's nothing that justifies them actually going on holiday together. Jin shakes any further thoughts about the dream away. Because what's the point anyway? Dreams sometimes make no sense, you just have to accept it.

***

Going to his new apartment makes him feel like he's stepping into a completely new bubble of thoughts. Not that his thoughts don't explore things when he's elsewhere but being alone somewhere quiet is different. Maybe it's his dream that inspires him, or maybe just memories that decided to resurface. Precious friendships. Bonds.

The words he writes are a bit more serious, and he thinks he'll need a bit more time to edit them until he feels satisfied. Writing about personal feelings is liberating, but he wants to find the right balance between saying too much and saying too little. So those drafts will stay private for now.

The timing of the decision to make an album of rearranged songs is perfect. Listening to rearranged versions of his old songs is a nice pause in his stream of thoughts. And sure, working on rearrangements is work too, but it's a different kind of effort.

When he shares what he's working on with Meisa, she looks happy to hear that he's investigating how to put the right words on all his precious bonds. He's a bit surprised when she suddenly looks a bit uneasy.

"Do you know why I'm happy you're doing that?" she asks tentatively.

What kind of question was that?

"Because you care about my career going well?" Jin replies, with a snort.

She smiles back, but the look she gives him lets him know she's serious.

"I thought you going away for composing would be good for your writing but... I also thought some introspection would be good for you. As a person."

Jin lifts an eyebrow, tempted to interrupt. Did she mean something was wrong with him? But he sees Meisa isn't done, and he trusts her not to lightly criticize him. At least, not without a good explanation. She threads their fingers together before she continues.

"I know you don't need to be isolated to think - you have always been able to think about what our family needs, no matter where you are." 

Jin purses his lips.

"Is there something in particular you want me to think about?" he asks. "I mean... you know you can talk to me about anything that's bothering you, right?"

Meisa rolls her eyes.

"This is not about me. We got everything cleared up a long time ago."

Back when we agreed that we had become friends. Just friends.

She doesn't say that, but Jin knows that's what she's referring to. 

At the time Jin had been surprised to hear her confession regarding what their relationship had become, but once Meisa's words had sunk in, the surprise had slowly disappeared. They had been "just friends" for months... and he hadn't even realised it. After a few beats of silence, he had agreed that she was right.

He guesses that's proof that he's slow at realising things.

Or maybe just slow at accepting things he knows deep down, unless there's someone around to give him a nudge.

***

Notebook-person is probably the one giving him the nudge he needs. None of this would have started without this guy's ranting. Jin is almost tempted to ask the previous owner of the apartment if he knows who that notebook belongs to, but its content is so personal he doesn't dare investigate too much. What's more, he wouldn't appreciate having to return it before he has the time to finish reading it.

So today isn't a writing day, it's a reading day. This time he's in the sitting room, tea and his vaping device nearby. He starts at the first page, because he wants to understand this guy better.

The first few pages are kind of cute. The author is just talking about baseball and his teammates. Looks like he's also busy with a secret job, but he doesn't say much about it. 

It takes quite a few appearances of the word "Junior" for Jin to realise this must be a junior in a music agency. And he's ready to swear that it's a Johnny's junior, because the few things the kid says sound familiar.

No shit.

No wonder the kid is vague and won't say any names.

Jin sympathises with him even more. Junior days weren't easy, and... now that Jin knows this guy is gay and will at some point fall in love with someone attending his practises - a close friend... he's torn between feeling uneasy and feeling even more curious. Does he have any right to dig into someone's private diary like this?

He swallows. Fuck it, the diary came to him, he _needs_ to read it.

The kid is having lots of fun, though. Several passages make Jin snort - he knows that scary swimming pool that guy is talking about. Those terrifying huge slides were something he'd never forget. It was nice to see that other juniors had also been made to go through that. It's almost surprising to see everything sounding light and easy... 

Until Jin reaches a confession.

_"The reason I'm writing is my parents keep saying I ought to open up more about what I'm feeling. They especially insisted when they saw how badly I was taking the fact that I had to abandon baseball._  
_But even you didn't know that. Because I didn't see the point of writing about it._

_These days are getting a bit tougher, and I must admit I do need to let out my feelings somewhere. I don't want to tell anyone about it. Because I'm a cool guy. It's important for me to be cool... and I swear, I really am."_

Jin stares. That went from serious to somewhat childish just in a few sentences. But he's not there to judge. The kid was probably cool after all.

During the next few pages, the guy often talks about how much he misses baseball, however it looks like he's slowly but surely building a precious friendship with another junior, and that seems to help build his motivation. Jin smiles. 

It's not only about fun stuff. He complains about an asshole who made fun of him because he didn't consider him manly enough. Later, he sounds heartbroken when his best friend shuts himself into the bathroom because he doesn't want the narrator to see him crying.

_"Crying doesn't make him any less cool. It doesn't make him ugly either. I wish he didn't feel like he needed to hide."_

Jin stays stuck on that page for a moment, then sighs. The mix of awesome and awful sides of junior life... he can relate to that.

The more pages he reads, the more he notices the handwriting evolving. Of course, the kid is growing up.

He's actually in an active band now, isn't that cool? A name he forgot to cross out reveals that Jin was right: only Johnny's juniors would talk about Takki being kind and awesome - and annoying sometimes too. So many anecdotes make him snort, no matter how vague they are, because now that he knows, it's easy for him to guess who Mr-famous-junior is, for example. It must be Pi.

This guy should write an autobiography someday - Jin is sure the diary itself could be a bestseller.

A few pages later, a paragraph where the writing is particularly messy draws his attention. What the hell had happened there??

_"Getting injured sucks. The injury itself is nothing awful, it's being stuck in bed that's awful. Missing practise. All that because of a dumb, dumb fall. I hate myself for doing that silly additional move."_

Ah.

The next handwriting is a bit less messy. The junior had probably taken a break... or was in a different mood.

_"Still stuck. I wish I could hang out with my bandmates. I miss them._

_Forget that - it's only my best friend that I miss. I didn't expect to. I mean, it's only been 3 days since we last saw each other. Why I miss him so bad is... kind of a mystery._

_Maybe it's because I can't get out of my mind how worried he looked after I fell. How kind he was afterwards. He's always kind, but that day was something special. Something a bit... unusual._

_I feel nervous and I don't even know why._  
_I guess this mishap made me realise that he cares about me just as much as I care about him._  
_And... the way I miss him, it's making me wonder._

_What does it mean when you miss someone that bad? When you miss his laugh, his gentle gaze... because yes, that's the way he was looking at me that day._

_Maybe it's a good thing I'm not seeing him now. I need to get over this weird feeling I can't even put a name on._  
_Jin is-"_

Jin stops breathing. 

_"Jin is my friend. We're friends. There's nothing complicated. I need to get over this weird feeling I don't understand."_

He stares at the page. At the wall. Back down at the page.

Was this... 

No...

He can't-

This can't possibly be-

Fuck.

Fuck!


	3. Chapter 3

Drinking with Takayuki had seemed like a good idea. Jin had thought going out for a party would help - a private one. But drinks aren't enough to wipe his thoughts away, quite the contrary.

Takayuki is in the middle of a funny story about a flirt, and as soon as he mentions discreetly catching a girl's wrist to slowly move on to holding her hand, Jin gets distracted.

He remembers doing something similar. 

Back then, he had pretended there was no reason for it, that he was just tugging Kame along to go get more drinks. Gently tugging his wrist only to ask if he was having a good time.

That was ages ago.

Gokusen wrap-up party.

His and Pi's housewarming party.

Debut party.

That had only happened when he was drunk; once all barriers were down, his instincts just made him catch Kame's fingers. Feeling the warmth of his hand was a comforting sensation. 

Of course, it had always been fleeting moments. 

Acting cool was important, after all... until too much alcohol made them forget about that.

It's been a week since he saw his own name in that cursed notebook. Cursed because he's been unable to relax. Cursed because it's making him investigate things he'd never dared to consider before.

Memories keep coming back to him. Some simple ones, like warm smiles, friendly jokes.  
Some more unusual ones, like his tendency to casually touch his shoulder, to softly touch his hand.  
Snippets don't only come back to him after a drink, they also pop up at random moments in the day. He wonders if that often happens to people who are reconnecting with someone - even though this connection is all in his head.

Hands touching.

Maybe Kame had wondered if Jin was sending a message with that kind of move  
... or maybe he'd given up a very long time ago, and saw no sign whatsoever in that behaviour.

Jin is puzzled when he realises it makes him feel a bit sad. 

He wonders if he’s just sad Kame never wrote something like _"Why did he hold my hand again?"_ or _"He hasn't held my hand in a long, long time. It's weird."_

He subtly shakes his head and gulps the last drops of his cocktail. _He_ 's the one who's weird. Why would he hold on to purely platonic memories like that?

He knows he's rambling, he should just talk to someone. Talk to anyone just to stop his brain from coming up with random shit.

***

He can't write. He spends hours flipping through pages he's already read, half tempted to continue reading, half scared to. He often stares at his phone, sorely tempted to just text him. 

They have to talk. 

Jin can't pretend what he's just found out doesn't exist.

He stares out the window - again.

Most of the leaves have fallen. Autumn is disappearing... maybe the same way the fire in Kame's heart slowly burnt out, leaving winter in its place.

_“It feels like something is missing. And no, it’s not love. I don’t need that.”_

Those first words he'd read... they had been close to the end of the notebook. Jin's heart twists. Had Kame just given up on feeling love? Was that why at some point, he'd only mention destiny as an excuse to date someone or to break up with them? He'd never paid close attention to those words before, and maybe he should have. He'd always just considered that to be a philosophy Kame mentioned only for the sake of his public image.

He groans. 

This... this hurts.

This is not just "Destiny". 

They could fucking decide to talk.

Jin has come to the conclusion that Kame had obviously been suffering, and Jin would totally understand if the younger never wanted to open that pandora box again. But even if the feelings are gone, does it justify ignoring something that big? Never saying a word about it feels unfair. 

He however wonders if his temptation to talk about this is just him being selfish. 

Jin feels so fucking dumb. He had known Kame liked guys for a long time. Hell, he'd even been under the impression that Kame thought he was hot. He'd always thought it was just physical attraction, that it was nothing else, nothing serious. That Kame just liked to jokingly compliment him. That his opinion on his looks and their friendship were two separate things.

But this was so much more complicated.

_"Growing up together while loving him has made me build the foundation of who I am around him."_

Jin drops his forehead in his hands. His breath is heavy again... how could Kame ever think something like that? He doesn't care if Kame was 16 or 20 when he wrote that. Jin doesn't deserve Kame to ever mean that, even if by some chance he was drunk when he was writing.

He had known from the start that reading the full diary would make him go through those scary parts again. How can Jin ever forget these words now?

_"I know he's the person that makes my heart warm. He’s the one who makes me laugh and smile the most._

_It's not even just about the looks."_

Jin slams the diary on the table.

He needs a cigarette. Now.

Throat tight, he goes to fetch a glass of whisky instead. It's been two weeks, and he still can't ignore the feelings that are bubbling inside. Constant unsettlement. Constant disbelief. And sometimes, memories of emotional words make the feelings he can't define overwhelming.

Why the fuck did his chin just wobble? Jin is not that kind of guy.

He quickly grabs his glass and frowns.

That weird emotion has to go away. How can he ever talk to Kame if he feels like this every time?

He walks to the window to open it.

Fresh air, wind. A gulp, two.

A deep breath.

That's better.

A few calm moments in the kitchen are a welcome pause - a welcome reminder that the present is different from that notebook. That in the present, Kame is certainly feeling better, and that's all Jin wants. 

It takes his thoughts a few minutes to drift towards another kitchen scene.

That dream... maybe it did make sense after all. He basks into the memory of their gentle hug - it helps his breath gradually become slow and steady again. He hadn't even known who had written the diary at the time, but maybe he'd unconsciously put two and two together.

Maybe he'd been unconsciously pushing away the urge to show Kame his affection for way too long. If he'd never held back, maybe he would have constantly hugged Kame instead of just reaching for his hand.

He's aware that his thoughts are too full of maybe’s, but it somehow feels easier to stay vague. He just doesn't know... he feels lost.

That was just a dream, he shouldn't read too much into it.

_"I don't know what I want._  
_I don't know what I'm looking for._  
_But... I know I love him._  
_Isn't that enough?”_

At least, Kame had felt somewhat lost at some point too.

But... he'd known he loved him. 

Kame _loved_ him.

Jin's throat is tightening again.

_Fuck._

He takes a deep breath and serves himself a bit more whisky.

He and Kame should talk, but not right away. 

Jin needs to learn to deal with this first.

***

In the end, the first time he feels remotely peaceful with Kame in mind is when he bumps into the real person.

Of course the first time Jin sees him again has to be accidental: he's at a fashionable and VIP brunch place Yu brought him to.

"Lots of awesome people we know will be there," he'd said. "I'm sure it will be great."

It's when they're having dessert that Jin spots Kame sitting at a table at the other end of the restaurant and he freezes for a second. Kame looks so different than in his memories, which is stupid, because Jin has bumped into him on several occasions during the past two years. He perfectly knows what Kame looks like now, he guesses he'd just lately been too obsessed with digging into the past.

The younger is with some other guy Jin doesn't know, and Kame is bursting into laughter.

Jin blinks.

Kame looks happy, that's... that's great.

He's still smiling after that; whatever he and the other man are talking about must be something he enjoys.

Jin is too busy consciously feeling warmth spreading in his chest to notice Yu watching him.

"Are you listening to me Jin?"

"Huh?"

Yu snorts and turns around - Jin's staring had apparently not gone unnoticed.

"Oh. Kamenashi-kun. Do you want to go say hi?"

Jin shrugs and fumbles with his napkin under the table. At least Yu can't see that.

"Uh... yeah, sure."

Seeing Kame looking relaxed and happy had made him feel almost as relaxed as he had during their dream-hug. The thought of actually talking to him however makes him a bit nervous.

It's just to say hi, though. It's not like Jin will have to open up his heart about everything that has been on his mind during the past few weeks.

Saying hi is _easy_.

"Just go. No-one here will bother you."

Shirota knows he needs a nudge, doesn't he?

Jin rubs his palms on his knees and gets up. Why he feels like he's walking in a dream is a mystery. Why his heart is beating like crazy is another mystery. When did his nervousness get this bad? He's had an easy-going conversation with Kame just 6 months ago, he had been fine. This unreasonable nervousness should just go away, thank you very much.

Kazuya's face lights up when he sees him - Jin didn't know his smile could get even brighter. He looks so pleasantly surprised, Jin feels warmth surge in his chest again.

"Hey. Didn't expect to see you here."

Kame laughs.

"Good to see you too, Jin."

They're not even saying anything important. Why is Jin so relieved he feels like he's sinking into a warm bath? Is that what it feels like when you realise you've been unreasonably worried for your friend?

He clears his throat. Friend. Let's talk like normal friends.

"How are you doing?" Jin asks.

"I'm fine, thanks. Having a good time with my baseball hero," he replies with a wink at his friend.

The latter snorts and looks a bit embarrassed. They politely greet each other - he looks like a good guy.

Jin tries to come up with something interesting to say, but his mind is unable to think anything else than "Kame looks so happy". He'd seriously spent an unreasonable amount of time picturing him sad. It's a good thing destiny is making him face the real Kame now.

Jin thinks it's about time for him to leave, though. He doesn't want to intrude on their brunch... or date, whatever this is.

"We should catch up sometime soon. It would be nice." 

He hadn't expected to say that, but there. His deepest desire is out.

Kame is good at hiding his surprise, but Jin still knows him well enough to know he hadn't expected that either.

"Sure. Let me know."

Jin nods with a smile. Maybe he lets too much of his warmth show on his face, because he spots some confusion in Kame's eyes.

He buries his hands in his pockets, mutters a "See ya" and walks back to his table - hopefully with a face closer to his usual one.

When he sees the way Yu is blinking at him, also looking confused, Jin guesses his face is still betraying how happy he's feeling.

He rolls his eyes and lets his warmest smile out. Why should he hide it?

***

Despite feeling more peaceful regarding Kame's situation, Jin still feels like he's carrying something deep inside. He at first wonders if that weight is guilt, but he doesn't think it's something as simple as that. There's more to it than that.

The twists his heart feels as he keeps reading are different. Sometimes he lets himself wish he'd been there to lay a hand on his shoulder, to comfort him the best he could. To be more vocal about how much he cared about him too.

There are however still pages that blow him away. Even more so since he's reaching the last pages with writing on them - which means these words are less than ten years old. He can't place when exactly they were written, but he has no doubt it was a long time after he'd left KAT-TUN.

_"I know that no matter what, my insides will always twist at the thought of seeing him. Even when I fall in love with other people. Even when I'm dating someone else._  
_There's always that familiar twist in my gut._  
_The surprised gasp that I keep to myself: 'I'd forgotten the way that fucker is so hot.'"_

Jin swallows thickly. 

He feels his cheeks burning.

_"I still notice his shoulders. Still notice the way his hips fit into his jeans. The way his ankles look so frail._  
_I still notice him worrying his lip, the way his face scrunches up adorably when he's in deep thought._

_I'm not in love with him anymore. But be it fifteen, ten or two years ago... every time..._  
_Every time I feel my blood boil because of how much I still... I still want him so fucking much. It's hard not to think of gripping his shoulders, his hair. Of biting his skin, licking it-"_

Jin exhales loudly.

That...

It's not just his cheeks that are burning when he keeps on reading.

_"Of breathing in the scent of his body. Of feeling his warmth, our bodies intertwined."_

Jin swallows again.

Of course Kame had thought about sensual stuff. He just... hadn't expected him to actually write it down.

He stares at the page, his mind blank.

 _"not in love with him anymore"_ , huh.

Reading those words should bring him some relief, but for some reason it doesn't. 

Jin should be happy that by then Kame was on his way to get over him. He wants to believe that he's happy, but the truth is he still feels lost.

There's however one thing he knows - he still feels like his body is on fire.

He tries to pull himself together. There's not much left to read, he has to finish this.

_"Sometimes it hurts that the frustration that has been building up for years never got an outing. And although I manage to act as if being friends with him is fine, although I've managed to convince myself that I'm not in love with him anymore…_

_I'm wrong._

_Even now. Even in these impossible circumstances."_

Jin whimpers.

How was Kame able to deal with this? For so long?

_"It's easier not to see him often. It's safer for my own wellbeing._  
_Maybe if we go for long enough without seeing each other, I'll finally get over it all. Several times, I thought I actually had._

_Until I met him again, months or years later, and was immediately pulled back into the same thoughts._

_So... the same cycle repeats itself, over and over again. I always notice everything about him I'll always love._

_There's nothing I can do about it. He will always have a place in my heart."_

Jin forgets all about his body. He knows this is not all about looks.

He feels heartbroken.

And it's not out of pity. Not because of his guilt either, even though he still hates himself for being blind.

It's because...

Maybe...

Just maybe... the warmth he'd been feeling for so long was his heart burning. For Kame.


	4. Chapter 4

Weeks go by and his feelings don't waver. 

Jin starts to wonder if he's always been wrong about Kame's view on destiny, because destiny seems to want to make them meet more often than usual. Every time, Jin makes sure they have an actual conversation, because the few words they'd exchanged at brunch were nowhere near enough. They go back to sharing anecdotes, and Jin is happy to gather any little bits Kame is willing to share with him - he wants to know more about who Kame is today, from preoccupations to hobbies. 

They see each other often enough to slip back into easy bantering, and those exchanges are good reminder than Kame is more than what he once wrote down. He looks peaceful and seems to have taken quite a few steps back from what was bothering him in the diary. That's possibly why he stopped writing; either that or he simply lost the notebook. 

A few words from the diary still come back to Jin's mind, but in a less scary way - it's still unsettling but seeing Kame's current state helps him also take a step back. His mind goes from navigating between written-Kame and present-day-Kame to attempting to perceive a picture that puts all the puzzle pieces together.

He however still needs to learn to control his facial expressions better, because Yu isn't the only close friend who looks like he can see through him. Yu doesn't witness another moment, he nonetheless occasionally enquires if he's seen Kame again and Shohei happens to notice him staring while Kame is gulping down a drink. Jin jokes that he'd just been jealous because his cocktail had looked delicious, and yes, that had been why he'd bitten his lip. 

In those kinds of circumstances, of course the words that come back to him are about Kame's desires. And Jin can't help it, it's not only words that come to him - he pictures all of it happening. 

Kame biting him. 

Licking his skin.

Picturing that while seeing Kame drinking makes him shiver. This is not only about understanding Kame, it's also about understanding himself. Looking at his old reflexes under a new perspective.

Mid-December, a conversation with Pi goes from recalling a surf holiday they'd spent together in 2008 to Yamashita giving in and voicing his thought: 

"If you need to trap Kame somewhere to have a long talk with him, let's just pretend we want to re-enact that holiday 10 years later. Winter version."

Jin doesn't take him seriously. His friend doesn't even know what's on his mind. Opening up about his discoveries still feels a bit overwhelming; keeping those feelings to himself is easier. At least he doesn't have to worry about his choice of words - or about the thought of betraying Kame's secrets. He however isn't usually a quiet person with Pi, and Jin has a feeling Pi knows he is holding in a storm. 

Yamashita simply concludes "I'll take care of it".

***

2017 slips into 2018, and here they are, slowly driving towards the range that's looming ahead.

Mountains.

Of course he'd been the one to come up with the location idea.

"A mountain lodge lost in the middle of nowhere. No paparazzi’s will see us there, no one will."

The others had agreed. A long week-end a few miles away from the closest village had sounded like a good idea. Pi, Ryo, Kame and himself are therefore comfortably seated in a SUV, leaving city life behind, the sight of a snowy plateau introducing their transition. Jin still can't believe this is _actually_ happening. 

The low motor sound is soothing, and so are the snowy slopes surrounding the road. This kind of feels like a family reunion; a little bit awkward, with relatives you haven't seen reunited in a very long time, but still pleasant. While listening to them talk, Jin realises Ryo and Kame have run into each other at work much more than he knew, which makes him relax a little. Maybe he'd been the only one feeling awkward. 

The others are sharing funny stories about people they know, talking about various projects. Pi asks Kame how things are going with his "baseball prince" and Jin pretends to be interested in what's out the window.   
Pretends the smile on his face isn't due to the relief of hearing they're only flirting, but to the sight of peaks ahead.

***

Once they arrive, Kame and Jin carry all their luggage inside and put away all the food Pi had prudently packed.

"Couldn't we just go buy stuff at the village?" Jin mutters.

Pi snorts.

"You chose to be in the middle of nowhere, Jin. We're one hour away from the village. Which is a pity, because I forgot to bring a bottle or two - and I have to go buy them."

Jin rolls his eyes.

"You don't have to."

Pi ignores him and just a few minutes later, he and Ryo drive away.

It's only after walking past Kame who's trying to light the fire in the fireplace that it dawns on him: this is probably the first chance Pi and Ryo are giving him to be alone with Kame for a few minutes - on purpose.

It's however too early for him to say anything special, he's not ready. Kame hears him click his tongue and turns around.

"You could try to help instead of just staying there watching, you know."

Jin grins and kneels next to him.

"Sorry."

***

3 hours later, when he finds bottles of wine, porto, champagne and whisky in a cupboard, Jin frowns. Pi and Ryo weren't back yet. What the fuck were they doing?

"Are you hungry?" he asks as he walks back into the living room. "It's getting kinda late..."

Kame glances at his watch.

"Hm. I'll text Pi. They'll probably be back soon."

"Ok."

This lodge is obviously very different from the one Jin had dreamt about. He can't even remember what that one had looked like anyway, but the cosy environment does feels familiar. Soft lighting makes the furniture's light colours look warmer, a contrast to the snow outside that now looks blue under the declining daylight.

Since there's nothing left to do other than waiting, he has a look around - each room looks just as welcoming. Upstairs, one of the rooms has a huge window showing beautiful slopes before his eyes, with a few trees here and there, leading up to the woods further away. He can't even see the village; there's really no-one around.

Jin decides this room will be his, flops onto the bed and closes his eyes. He still can't bring himself to picture the exact steps he's going to take, but he couldn't have expected a better environment.

***

A knock on the door wakes him up.

"Jin?"

He groans. Why the fuck did he fall asleep?

"Yeah?"

"Can I come in?"

Jin presses his palms to his eyes and gets up to open the door.

Kame looks livid.

"Whoa. Are you ok?"

Kame doesn't say a word and hands Jin his phone, Pi's message displayed on the screen.

_"Guys... Ryo and I just had a drink with some really hot tourists. We're staying here. Don't wait for us for dinner, we'll probably only join you on Sunday."_

His jaw drops.

"The fuck??"

"My thoughts exactly," Kame replies, tight-lipped.

"The fuck do they think they're doing, leaving us without a car??"

Kame's eyebrows slide up, some of his irritation fading away.

"That's what's annoying you?" He snorts.

Jin is still baffled. Ryo and Pi can't actually be staying away for tourists. How the fuck could they think that was a good idea?? He starts to feel defensive, almost giving in to the urge to promise he has nothing to do with their decision.

From that notebook mysteriously popping up in his apartment to the guys actually trapping them here together... Why do the crazy things always have to happen to him?

***

Jin insists that he'll prepare dinner for both of them, but Kame wants to be there to help. Doing something useful takes away some of the pressure to choose the right topic of discussion. It's not that they're not used to talking, but being alone is different from being in the middle of a group of acquaintances.

"Can you chop the onion please?"

"Hand me the pan behind you."

Doing everyday-life stuff together helps Jin feel like he's on familiar ground.

"How's your mom doing?" he asks.

Kame smiles. Jin melts. 

Kame _likes_ talking about family stories with him.

Kame is beautiful.

The butterflies in Jin's stomach feel out of control. He wants to brush a thumb against the younger's cheek, to be open about how happy these simple interactions are making him but... one step at a time.

Dinner is a bit quiet, but it's alright. Sitting face to face is nice - seeing Kame appreciate what he cooked is lovely too. Just the two of them, eating near a fireplace in a cosy atmosphere... all that's missing is a candle to make this a romantic date.

_"He just doesn't know it's love yet, but I do.”_

Kame doesn't know Jin is slowly opening the gates, that the feelings bubbling inside are pushing and pushing because they need to get out.

Fire crackling.

Sounds of cutlery being picked up, of a wine bottle getting opened.

Jin can do this.

"I'm happy KAT-TUN is coming back. It's cool you got a break, though."

He doesn't ask how he's feeling about it, but if Kame feels comfortable enough to share something, he's there to listen. Hugging someone isn't the only way to show them they are welcome back into the bond you used to share. 

Kame sometimes looks thoughtful and Jin wonders if he noticed something. The older knows he's wearing his heart on his sleeve, and what surprises him is that it feels familiar. He always has his heart on his sleeve with his close friends, because he trusts them enough to be open. He's been open about caring for Kame for years - he'd just tucked that away at some point. Surrounded it with layers of barriers. Just like Kame probably did when he decided it was time to move on.

Jin knows he can't rip away all those layers at once. He wishes they could just gently unwrap them, one after the other - if Kame wants to. He doesn't know how to do this.

The worst thing would be to scare his friend away. Jin knows he'd be personally terrified if he found out someone had read all the messy thoughts and feelings in his head. He doesn't personally think Kazuya's thoughts are a mess, but he's pretty sure the younger feels that way.

Their conversation therefore stays similar to what they're used to, it's enough for a first day together.

They wash the dishes, exchange a few more pleasantries and wish each other a good night.

***

Crunch, crunch.

Breaking the soft surface of untouched snow with his snow boots.

He and Kame have been walking for an hour already, at first to reach the closest trees. They keep on following the path into the woods, but the lack of leaves keeps the sky visible, blue with a few dark clouds in the distance.

Kame looks charming even covered in a huge amount of clothes. Turtleneck, jumper, massive coat, beanie, scarf... at least he hasn't put his sunglasses on yet.

"Even if we meet someone, they probably won't even recognize us," Jin says.

"Ha. I don't know - paparazzi’s usually recognize my nose."

His cute little nose, yeah. Jin pushes that thought away, it probably wouldn't be the best way to confess.

As they keep walking, it's tempting to just let themselves drown into the sounds of their feet, of occasional birds chirping. They don't have to talk. When they hear a creek flowing nearby, they go have a look.

"I wish the rocks weren't covered in ice. We could sit on them for our lunch break."

Kame smirks but doesn't say whatever is on his mind. He silently hands Jin his sandwich and takes out his own. They share a hiking bottle and Jin feels like a teenager getting nervous over something so simple.

Once they finish eating, Kame glances at his phone. 

"It's going to be snowing this afternoon. We should head back."

"Lead the way, mister hiking expert."

Only a "Tsk" escapes the younger's lips, but Jin can tell he's content.

***

In the afternoon, they settle on the couch with a warm cup of tea. Snowfall looks great, but Jin is glad he's inside, simply watching it through a window.

He's been watching Kame through a window for way too long. He just ought to say something... but the younger is reading a book, he doesn't dare interrupt. He eyes the blanket folded on the couch and hesitates for a second. Fuck it, who cares about being cool? He grabs it.

"Are you cold? Should I light the fire again?"

"Oh no, I'm ok. I'll take care of the fireplace, good idea."

Why did his voice have to betray his scattered state of mind? At least, Kame doesn't say anything. Jin drops the blanket and gets to work.

***

It takes Kame quite a while to stop reading, and Jin hadn't expected him to abruptly drop the book and look up. He gets caught staring.

Kame blinks.

"Are you okay? ...shit, you're bored, is that it? I'm sorry, I lost track of t-"

Jin shakes his head.

"No, no, I'm fine." 

He just shrugs, not knowing what kind of explanation to give for the staring. He contemplates not saying anything, but in the end he decides there's no reason for him to hold back. Not anymore.

"I'm just... happy to be here, you know?"

Another shrug. His nervousness is probably all over his face.

Kame's jaw twitches. 

"Yeah, it's a really cool place, I see what you mean."

He's ignoring him. He's playing it safe. Jin can either play along or move out of his comfort zone. Who knows when he'll ever get a chance like this again? He _has_ to do it. He bites his lip.

"I meant- I'm happy I can spend time with you again."

"Oh."

Kame doesn't say anything. He grabs his book again but isn't looking at it.

"It's cool to see you too," he finally adds.

Shit, this is harder than expected. Jin needs to go back to comfort zone. Now. He taps his hands on his knees and gets up.

"More tea? I'll go make some more."

***

It's still snowing when the night falls. Kame is cooking this time, and Jin helps him out whenever he can. He can tell something has shifted, but he can't exactly tell what. Kame is back to being relaxed, he's concentrated on whatever vegetable he's chopping. They occasionally talk about their daily life - Jin's interactions with Theia's teachers, Kame going back to an intense work rhythm after KAT-TUN's return. There are also quiet moments where they just focus on whatever task needs to be done; Jin loves that they've reached the point where silence isn't something bad.

Jin hadn't expected to finally voice the word "love" in his mind while watching Kame cut carrots.

There's nothing surprising, he knows the feeling had been lurking there for a long time. But it's now his brain has decided to make him say it.

He loves Kame.

The butterflies aren't even out of control when he tells himself those words. He's back to feeling like he's wrapped up in a warm blanket. As if saying he loves Kame feels like coming home.

When they finally sit down for dinner, it feels even more like a date than the previous night.

"I'll go get the salt," Jin says and gently squeezes Kame's shoulder on his way to the kitchen. There, a first gesture.

Coming home means returning to simple gestures that mean a lot to him.

_"He just doesn't know it's love yet, but I do."_

Kame isn't blind. If he'd seen the signs back then, maybe he'll end up realising what Jin is feeling now.

Once back, he serves them wine and their glasses clink.

At first Jin wonders if he should open up during dinner and talk about his introspection experience, but on second thought... he knows he's often better at acting than talking. Body talk, huh. He can't decide what the best thing to do would be.

Meanwhile, even when they're just talking about going to the hairdresser, Jin can see Kame's eyes pausing on him a bit longer. It's not the alcohol, he's keeping the dose low on purpose. Jin returns those gazes, a warm smile on his lips.

He fucking loves this guy.

Kame looks away.

"It's still snowing," he mutters, but he doesn't sound irritated. He's just playing safe and Jin knows what he wants the most.

To help Kame realise opening up to Jin is safe too.


	5. Chapter 5

After dinner, Kame digs into the cupboards to see what kind of bottles would tempt him while Jin adds two logs into the fireplace. 

Sometime during the meal, the snowfall had stopped and the sky is by now starting to clear. When Kame joins him, a flask of Scottish whisky in his hand, the stars are gradually dotting the sky. They consider watching TV but nothing draws their attention on the available channels. Instead, Jin puts on some background music and Kame serves him a glass.

"I hope the snow didn't block the road. If Pi and Ryo can't come back-"

"Yeah, staying stuck here with you sucks," Kame interrupts with a smirk and Jin retaliates with a light punch on his shoulder.

"Ow," the younger complains. "See? It sucks."

His eyes are however crinkled as he sinks back into the couch with a smile. They're back to bantering, and that's fine. The earlier discomfort is no longer obvious.

Jin takes a small gulp and an idea hits him: opening up about fun stuff would be a good start.

"I can keep you busy with fun games, you'll change your mind about being stuck here with me."

Kame doesn't look convinced.

"What do you mean, 'fun games'?"

Jin makes the liquid swish around his glass while he tries to put his idea into words.

"Say a word, whichever you want, and I'll tell you the most ridiculous memory I have related to it."

The other looks at him like he's crazy, then laughs.

"Jin, you'll regret this. I swear you will."

He shrugs.

"Well, maybe I should just drink more to forget everything I say, then."

He won't reach that point, though. He doesn't want to forget a single thing that happens tonight. Kame's mouth twitches at one corner as he certainly hesitates between several horrid options.

Jin's fears are soon confirmed.

"Fart."

Jin's grin disappears. Kame's grin turns devilish.

"You asked for it, Jin. Go on, drink."

The older swiftly empties his glass and noisily puts it down on the table.

"Ok... this is going to be a serious confession. Just after the Johnny's Entertainment audition... I happened to fart exactly when I handed Johnny-san my badge back."

Jin had thought Kame would laugh, that that would diffuse the tension, but his face stays evil and he immediately follows up with another word.

"Shit."

Jin lets his head collapse backwards, heaving a frustrated groan.

"Come on Kame, don't do this. Please let me keep some honour."

No pause.

"America."

That's a good word. Awesome memories show up before Jin remembers he's supposed to look for something ridiculous. It's a bit more complicated than the first one, considering the huge number of scenes to choose from...

"Well, you do remember the way I liked to strike a pose in front of luxury ads to copy the models, the first time we went there."

Kame's eyes are glittering with amusement.

"I disagree. That's not the worst."

And so the game continues and Jin hates himself. This wasn't how he'd pictured balancing out what Kame knows about him with what he himself had found out. Kame sometimes bursts out laughing while repeatedly hitting the couch with his hand, and at least that gives Jin a little bit of satisfaction.

"Takki."

Jin thoughtfully purses his lips.

"Hmm. There are so many situations related to that guy."

Kame wiggles his finger while he adds a rule: "Don't talk about Okinawa. I already know everything there is to know about that."

Either it's the whisky hitting in, or destiny making him reveal more sensitive information.

"Uugh. This is going to be embarrassing. You remember his Takizawa Kiss thing...?"

He feels his cheeks warm up.

Kame eyes him curiously.

"Don't tell me you once-"

"No!!!! Well. Except on the cheek. You know that."

The younger rolls his eyes.

"Kissing someone on the cheek because Takizawa told you to can't be your most ridiculous memory."

"No," he admits.

Jin stays quiet for a moment, rubbing his hair. How should he put this?

"The first time Takki locked me in a room with someone to clear up a needless dispute, it was with Pi. And when at the end, Takki said we had to kiss I freaked out. I thought he meant I had to kiss him on the mouth."

Kame's eyes widen. He puts his glass down, looking torn between laughing and just staring.

"You did that??"

"No!! But I made a scene. A loud one. And it ended up with both Takki and Pi laughing at me like I was mad."

Kame rolls his eyes, muttering something that sounds like "typical bakanishi"; but he doesn't know all of it, so Jin feels the urge to continue explaining.

"It's just... kissing Pi like that? No way. The mental image was disturbing as hell. If it had been you I probably wouldn't have complained that much."

Jin realises too late what he's just said. Kame stares at him like he's talking another language. Then drinks and goes back to smirking. Is he putting his Kamenashi mask on? Jin internally pleads him not to.

"You still would have complained."

Jin ponders what the best reply would be. But Kame is waiting, so Jin can't reflect much further.

"I wouldn't have kissed you," he admits. "But the few times Takki played the mediator for us," he hesitantly adds, "when he said 'kiss', sometimes I jokingly thought of what it would be like. And it wasn't as scary as that time with Pi."

Kame looks puzzled. He doesn't get it... or doesn't want to get it.

"Puke."

"What?"

"That's your next word."

***

Jin fills up Kame's glass, fills his own and sits right next to him. He's a bit tipsy... there go his reasonable intentions. That game hadn't been a good idea. Of course Kame had chosen the wrong words. He still says a few more, but it has by now turned into a soft, lazy conversation.

"You know so much shit about me now," Jin whines, "great..."

One thing is certain, he's growing addicted to Kame's smirks.

"What can I say, it's always best to know who you're dealing with."

Frustration is however building up, because Kame is ignoring a big part of who he's dealing with.

Jin studies his face. He looks both content and guarded, a strange Kamenashi mix and Jin can't take it anymore. He wishes the other would just open his eyes and accept that all the affection he's displaying isn't an act. He knows he can't blame him, considering the years of frustration Kazuya has been through. No wonder he wants to protect himself... but Jin wishes he could be the one protecting him.

Kame must notice something shifting in his expression because his gaze turns into a concerned one.

"You know I'm not judging you for what you said, right? We all have our own lot of weird experiences."

Of course. Jin knows. He bites the insides of his cheeks before he replies.

"Yeah... all kinds of experiences. Some bright ones. Some tougher ones."

He hesitates before continuing, but he pushes himself forward. This is the moment he needs to let go of his filters. He knows this.

"Don't all those experiences build the foundation of who we are? Not just the ridiculous ones. Not just the bad or tough ones."

He can't bring himself to mention the notebook, not now. But he needs to know.

"I agree with you. My foundation is a mix of lots of things," Kame says softly, still looking concerned. 

Jin exhales slowly. Lots of things.

"The beautiful things help me overcome the more difficult ones," Kame adds, "we all have both sides... and learn to move forwards. I don't know what's causing you trouble but... please don't hesitate to talk about it, if you want to."

Why is it only when he's worried for someone else that Kazuya opens up? Jin feels like he doesn't deserve this and internally curses when he feels overwhelming emotions taking over again.

He squeezes his eyes shut, reaches out and re-opens them when he finds Kame's hand next to his. His nervousness is beyond anything he expected for a gesture like this - he's held Kame's hand so many times in the past.

He pushes away any thought about the past - the present is what matters now. 

Jin gently interlaces their fingers.

"Jin..."

Still that soft voice. The older tightens his hold and takes a deep breath.

"I agree that it's best to know who you're dealing with," he replies, looking at him straight in the eye.

He slowly brings Kazuya's knuckles to his lips, and keeps them there for a moment so long it feels more like a connection than a kiss. An intimate connection.

While he looks calm, his heart is pounding.  
An exhale, an inhale. 

Jin turns their hands over so that he can kiss the back of Kame's hand. Then his wrist, just as slowly, just as gently.

His heart tightens when he sees a flicker of sadness in Kame's eyes. A flicker of dread too. And another emotion he just can't put a name on.

"You're so precious to me," Jin whispers, wishing he could find the right words to let Kame understand. "You've always been. It just took me a long time to realise that... you're more than just a friend to me."

Kazuya's eyes waver and once again, look away. He always hated looking vulnerable, didn't he? Always wanted to keep looking strong. He looks troubled, and Jin can tell he's fighting those flickers of emotion away. 

"You don't have to say anything. I understand if this is weird for you. But I couldn't continue pretending I don't feel anything more than friendship... I just wanted you to know. You mean a lot to me."

As Jin says these words, he realises asking Kame to open up is a big deal. He doesn't want to be an intruder, he's ready to wait, Kame deserves that. He can take all the time he needs, it's not just because Jin feels the urge to rip off all his own layers that Kame has to do so at the same time.

He gives his fingers a little squeeze before putting his hand back down and getting up.

"Jin- wait."

Jin doesn't move. He can see the wheels turning when Kame licks his lower lip.

"I really appreciate what you just said, I really do. I just... I need a few moments. Would that be ok?"

Jin can feel his heart thumping in his chest. Would Kame be by any chance finally accepting the meaning of his recent behaviour? His breath quickens.

"Of course," he says. "Do... do you want to be alone? I'll just go to my room," he adds more quickly than necessary. "I'm there if you want to talk. Ok?"

He tries to stay calm as he steps away - taking Kame's hand again might be too much.

He has almost reached the door when he hears Kame's voice again.

"Jin?"

He stops, and turns around.

"Thank you," Kame says, a faint smile on his lips.

***

Jin has been switching between pacing around the room and lying down for the past few minutes. Part of him yells at him to calm down and just go to sleep, because there's no way Kame will come see him tonight. Meanwhile the other part tells him Kame might walk in at any moment.

Jin sits down and presses his hands against his forehead. Calm down. He has to calm down anyway. Why does his heart keep racing? Last time he had been in such a state, fresh air had helped. He swiftly walks to the window and opens it.

He lets the cold surround him and closes his eyes.

Whether Kame comes up or not, it doesn't matter. He tries to convince himself he did what mattered.

He'd come here to talk about that blessed notebook, but it's probably a good thing he hasn't. Talking about that now wouldn't do Kame any good. Hearing that Jin had strong feelings for him, however... Jin hopes it will bring him some peace. Even if Kame has closed that chapter of his life and if it has now become a one-way love, Jin doesn't regret telling him. The notebook is blessed because it made him open up to the idea of giving Kame all the affection he deserves; if Kame just wants to be friends, Jin will still give him all the affection he can in a platonic way.

Because he loves him.

_Spending so many years caring about what he thinks, caring about how he's feeling..._  
_Wanting to help him be happy…_  
_Wanting to give him my heart…_  
_…my everything._

Jin can relate so much to those words. Staring at the beautiful stars in the sky, he feels his heart slowly calming down. He ignores the slight wobble his chin just gave - he'll be alright. Everything is alright.

Good thing Kame hasn't knocked. Jin realises he needed a moment too. 

The cold breeze makes him shiver so he closes the window and lies back down, his gaze stuck on the constellations outside.

***

He has no idea how much time has gone by when he hears a knock. He's sure he has imagined it, until he hears the handle creaking a few seconds later and the door slowly opens.

"You can open it wide, I'm not sleeping," he says as he gets to his feet. Jittery feelings are back, but in a somehow less intimidating way. 

Kazuya steps in, an embarrassed smile on his lips.

"Is this a bit too late? If you want to go to sleep-"

"No!" Jin interrupts. "...No," he adds a bit more softly. "You're welcome at any time."

He knows that embarrassed smile. Kame used to have that face when Jin made him try on fashionable clothes when they were teenagers... when Jin told him he looked hot in them ("but no homo"). Jin wants to laugh at his past self, but more importantly, the sight of Kame making the same face now makes him so happy. It feels like they are back to simpler days.

"The view from your room is beautiful."

He's taken measured steps into the room, and Jin saw some hesitation in them - but Kame is here. And that's a step Jin is eternally grateful for. "I love watching stars like this..."

Jin wants to reply that Kame is beautiful and that he likes staring at him, but he holds back and just hums instead. He takes a few tentative steps closer.

The younger turns back towards him and bites his lip.

Then that blessed smirk is back and Jin says goodbye to his calm state for good.

"So. Back in the day, Takizawa made you picture what kissing me would be like," he says with false nonchalance, as if they were sharing a private joke. Only their intense eye contact betrays that this is no joke.

He bites his lip again and Jin knows it: he's doing this to drive him crazy.

"Are you waiting for an invitation?"

Before he knows it, Jin is growling "No" and taking the last step they need. He does notice an intense emotion briefly showing up in Kame's eyes, but as soon as Jin's hand is behind his neck and gently tugs, they go back to being soft and warm and their lips meet.

Damn, those lips are so soft, Jin can't think anymore. 

Tongue, teeth. Hands on his neck, then hands tangled in his hair.

No one has ever kissed him like this before - he didn't even know someone invading his mouth would make embarrassing sounds escape his lips. But he's too far gone to care, their tongues curling together make his gut tighten with desire.

He softly nudges Kame against the window because he needs to-  
he-

Jin groans when the full length of his body is finally plastered against Kame's. He can't even tell anymore who is pulling what, he just knows they're getting closer and closer-

They have probably been kissing for an eternity when Jin finally draws his face away.

"Kame," he says breathlessly. "Can you please invite me to bed?"

***

If the hug in his dream had felt like a warm blanket, it is an ice blanket compared to what Jin is feeling now. The sight of Kame's eyes alive with excitement and tenderness burns his insides the same way his body is on fire. Kame's diary had made him picture their bodies intertwined, but the images his imagination had supplied are nothing compared to what they are now sharing. It's the simple things that make him catch his breath - a warm palm against his jaw, fingers gently pushing a strand of hair out of his eyes. Their warm caresses are slower, gentler, as they take the time to savour the intimacy. 

Less gentle things also take his breath away. Kame licking his nipple and surprising him with a bite. Kame kneading his ass so hard his nails probably left marks… it makes Jin discover sounds he never knew he would make.

Kame's warm lips slide against his again in a slow kiss, after which he softly bites his lower lip and murmurs "What would you like to do?"

Jin doesn't know what to say - all he knows is he needs their skin to skin contact to never stop. He rolls Kame over to the side and slides over him; he can feel that Kame is just as hard as he is, and it makes his skin tingle... he still turns Kame on. Kame still wants him.

He exhales sharply. 

What does he want?

Lots of things.

He wants to re-do everything they just did, a thousand times. He wants to discover everything Kame likes too. He leans down to bite Kame's earlobe and wraps his hand around his hip.

"I brought lube," he whispers and bites again, his hand gripping Kame's hip harder.

Kazuya silently parts his lips for a second, then whispers: "I love that kind of surprise."

Jin raises his head to grin at him.

"You need to know who you're dealing with, Kazu."

The amused smile he gets back is priceless, Kame's heated eyes watching him intently. Before he knows it, Kame is flipping them over again, his fingers closing around his cock. 

Everything suddenly gets quick and intense again, and Jin gasps.

"Is that your way of saying you want to fuck me?" Kame asks. If his touch wasn't already enough, his sensual voice would have driven him nuts. Jin whimpers and bucks his hips into Kame's touch. He can't even tell if his heart is beating at all... this is so unreal. So wonderful.

Jin pulls one of his knees aside, and he's pretty sure he's blushing. He can't remember last time he felt this exposed.

"I want you. I want you to fuck me," he breathes.

Kame's hand stops.

"Don't stop," he blurts.

A ragged exhale leaves his lips as Kame looks into the drawer of his bedside table and finds what he'd strategically placed there. His pulse is racing again, half because of his expectations, half because he's scared.

"I mean... I want that... if you want to."

Kame stops in the middle of opening the lube and stares at him.

"How can you even doubt that?"

Moments later, Kame is back to thoroughly kissing him, and this time he's the one clutching his hips. When Jin sees the faint blush on his cheeks, he's reminded that there are years of longing behind this. That Kame's feelings, that his words enabling his realisation are the reasons all of this is happening.

He cups Kame's face to kiss him again, more gently.

Then impulsiveness takes over again. Caresses on the curve of Kame's back, hips bucking against his body again. Kisses in his neck, hands in his hair.

Jin needs more, more.

He's already addicted to his skin, his warmth, his scent.

A brief flicker of uncertainty crosses Kame's eyes when he's holding Jin's thigh up, his finger gently circling his entrance, but Jin makes his last restraints collapse.

"I want you. Inside me."

Kame is already inside his heart. Inside his thoughts. Inside all of his existence. He needs him inside, everywhere. He wants him now. 

He claws at Kame's back and lets himself bask in the sounds that Kame can't hold in. Basks into the way his hips thrust slowly, slowly, and then quickly. He welcomes the pain, he welcomes the care and tenderness Kame graces him with, reaches out for him too and tries to return as much pleasure as he's receiving.

He'll get better at this, he knows he's no expert.

His eyes are screwed tightly shut as he feels waves of pleasure surge through him.

"Oh fuck... Kame..." he whimpers.

This time it's Kame's hand that cups his face.

"Jin..."

He opens eyes and sees so much genuine affection, genuine happiness on Kazuya's face he can't take it anymore.

The slow ache at the bottom of his spine turns into overwhelming warmth and pleasure that is spreading everywhere. He groans and reaches his peak. Moments later, Kame follows through.

 

He still needs that skin to skin contact as they fall asleep. The rays of the rising sun are casting a warm light on their bodies and it just feels natural to touch him again. A slow, sleepy caress. A soft kiss on his neck.

A long kiss on his heart. The intimate connection that matters most to him. Kame sides his thumb on his cheek and brings his lips back to his.

They haven't put words on what they're feeling, but Jin knows their touches have expressed it all.

***

The warm swell of contentment hasn't left him by the time they are back in the car, driving back to Tokyo.

Pi and Ryo are in the front seats, Kame and Jin in the back ones. The openness and warmth with which Kame is looking at him makes hope flare in his chest. He knows something has permanently shifted between them. 

Something at the root of who they are.

A love that was always there, but that just needed some time to bloom.

Maybe more than a shift, it's a door that opened. A door to mutual understanding, mutual support and mutual love.

He gives him the same warmth when he returns his gazes, and when he thinks Pi and Ryo aren't looking, he takes his hand again. Interlaces their fingers.

He wishes he could kiss him again.

 

What he doesn't expect is another surprise to end the week-end. Just before Pi drops Jin at his apartment, he asks:

"So... how's your song writing going? Did you use the notebooks I left in your desk?"

 

 

THE END


End file.
